A moment to work through
A familiar pattern keeps returning
Study the sequence you can observe instead of naming one person as the pattern.
Practice privately. Nothing sends itself.
Try these three small steps
The topic changes, but the same pursue, withdraw, defend, or assume sequence seems to return.
- 1
Describe the sequence in neutral actions, including your own first visible move.
- 2
Find the earliest point where either person could make a smaller different choice.
- 3
Write one two-person playbook for that point and revise it after trying it.
A sentence to adapt
“When ___ happens, I tend to ___. A smaller interruption could be ___.”
Keep only the words that are true for you. Edit them, or choose not to send.
Try the exampleA template is a starting point, not a diagnosis or a demand for the other person.
Three things to avoid
- Turning a pattern name into a diagnosis.
- Assigning one partner the full job of changing the cycle.
- Treating a repeated difficulty as proof that repair never mattered.
Safety comes first
Do not use these steps to negotiate immediate safety, mediate abuse or coercion, or pressure contact. Pairmend does not monitor emergencies or contact help on your behalf.
Safety information